No alcoholic beverages beyond this point

At the risk of sounding totally cliche, I would like you all to know that I have seen the light!

Its true! Its dim, stained with coffee, and smells burnt.

Last night was the first AA meeting. I decided last week after a few years of getting things done on my own, that for my health and happiness, and my relationships with family and wonderful friends, that "outside" help must be what I need, cause its the only thing that I havent tried.

How can I put into words what it was like? It to me was the most beautiful feeling I have had in a very long time. To wake up feeling at peace with myself and my addiction today was a new, and very welcome feeling.

Through out the whole day yesterday there was never a thought on missing that meeting, I was looking forward to it, I don't know what inside of me has changed, from being so against it to welcoming it, but it happened, and that is all I care about.

As I walked through the doors accompanied by my support of my wonderful uncle and cousin, there was not even an ounce of nervousness, apprehension, or regret. It was just like I was finally ready. like my mind finally opened up and was like "OK now its coo

yo."

I looked around at every one there, and I saw every part of myself inside, parts I have now, ones I will get to have in the future, and others that would be my life if I continued down the same road. I saw the younger girl all done up, hair makeup, cute clothes, the works! Then I saw the old man falling apart, broken, and lonely. There was the recovering mom who got to be sober for her daughter before she was too old to know what her mom was, and the dad who missed his chance, and is patching up his relationship with his son who is grown with children of his own.

I sat and listened, even if I didn't have the same stories as them, or my drinking was differently drank than theirs, I still gained strength from knowing that as different as we were as people, the biggest struggle in my life, was also the biggest struggle in theirs, and they woke up today feeling the same as me, they fought the same battle I had fought that day and we won.

People there are applauded for 6 years of sobriety, and others who are applauded for 1hr, because even tho its not 6 years, everyone there knows that, those 60 minutes are a tooth and nail battle, and it too was won.

I know that AA is not for everyone, and that it doesn't work for all who try, but for me, that is my safe zone, the thought of going to the meetings excites me and today is the first day that I feel like I am not fighting alone anymore. I always have had nothing but the best support from family and friends, but as much as someone who is trying to help an alcoholic reads, or studies up on it, they only get the most literal form of the meaning, they don't have the emotions, or the feelings you deal with. I have my uncle, who understands (5 years sober this year for him) and with out him, getting to this amazing moment in my life would not have happened, I would not be as strong as I have become, or questioned myself like he has questioned me, but to be able to walk in a room full of ones who share my same scar, that was what I was looking for. That is what changed my life.

My next meeting is tonight.

Thank you and goodnight.

Vodka and Gin and Wiskey, OH MY!

So here it is... My very first blog. This I shall use as my venting vessel over the next few weeks, as I am embarking on something I am hoping will be life changing. Before I go to far with this I should specify I am an awful speller and my grammar has been known to make people physically ill, so if you should find this to be something that will be a problem for you then I suggest you stop reading now........

OK now, lets get this party started!!

So tomorrow I start AA. Yeah that's right. Its that kind of a party. So about 3 years ago after finally getting out of a very awful and verbally abusive relationship, (it was being in this relationship that my drinking finally came to a head and actually became a "problem" visible to everyone close to me) I finally admitted I was an alcoholic. Still my thoughts to quit drinking for good were few and far between, I would be so depressed and riddled with anxiety from my most recent binge, and swear off drinking forever, two weeks later I was back in bed ignoring anyone who tried to call or see me, while I laid in the dark downing my 3rd bottle of wine. Over the years my drinking has cause me 2 hospital visits, one for falling against the corner of my door way and splitting my head open, giving me 6 stitches and 8 staples, (and a new funny hairline), the other was when my in laws were in town for a visit, and all my new family members where at our house, I decided to down tequila straight and went into convulsions and rushed to the hospital yet again, I have gotten drunk at work, hid booze all over my house from anyone who would try and find it and take it away, I have cut of friends and family just so that I can drink in peace. All of this is just tid bits of the last few years, believe me I could go on for ages on the other stories... But due to my shriveled ego pleading for me to stop, and so that you may still continue reading with out wanting to kill yourself I will stop there.

OK so, that little ray of sunshine was just to give you an idea of the past so you can get an idea of how ridiculous my life has been and what a struggle I have had to stop drinking. It has not been that I don't want to quit, believe me, I HAVE TRIED, but no matter how awful my drinking has humiliated me, cost me more money than I care to even think about, and damaged my relationship with those closest to me, I still break and give in to alcohol, not always planning on drinking like a fool, but always falling back into that line of consumption. And so this brings us to a positive break down *finally* giving in and taking the steps to attend AA.

This blog is going to be a little journal over the next few months about my recovery, and all of the positive changes I am making in my life, along with some of the hard times I will go through, how my wonderful husband and I deal with these changes and how we bond, through successes met, and some of the set backs learned from. Many of these blogs I hope will be much funnier than this one. ;)

The End.